where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Randomize