I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
