its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize