I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
