I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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