I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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