Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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