My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
