She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
