why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
