i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize