Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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