well I can't set my house on fire every night
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
