gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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