did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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