And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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