Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
