Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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