Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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