I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
