It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
