Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
