dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
