Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
