why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
