I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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