why didn't you poke me back
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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