So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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