Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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