Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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