My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Panties = found
Randomize
