Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
