My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
