The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
