Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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