So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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