Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Randomize
