you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
