He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
