no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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