I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize