I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
