She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
