I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
