My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
