I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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