Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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