got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
