I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
