Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
