we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
