Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
