Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
