The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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