dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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