Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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