Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
