went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I cut my penus on the lid.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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