I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
