I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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